Posts Tagged ‘ fears ’

Tain’t Cheap.

What’s not cheap? Being an “adult”. Being in nursing school. Owning a home. Having a family. Not having a trust fund back east.
Being an adult in nursing school with a home and a family and no trust fund back east really takes the cake though. (Although medical bills, emergencies, car troubles, etc etc would make the list as well).

Tain’t cheap and I am sure feeling it.
Let me warn you now that this post is not all butterflies and sunshine. It’s one of those self-reflections and observation kind-of post where I talk myself into some sort of sense.
I digress.

The last couple of months since second semester began has been kind of rough. Ishaq and I got back early from our honeymoon hoping to save money. The wedding was great (and done for under $2000 total).
School started, surprise bills came up.
We’re still trying to pay off Ishaq’s loan from our 4-year college where we left after a semester so that he can start up at my nursing school. They won’t let him in without a transcript though. And we can’t get a transcript until the loan is paid off. We can’t get the loan paid off because the financial aid was supposed to pay it in the first place. They decided not to pay it since Ishaq’s father put false numbers on the application and they got audited and dropped. After it got dropped, through no fault of our own, we got stuck with the semester’s payment. Snowball effect, much?
Anyways, last week, Ishaq’s car got broken into and one of my old debit cards stolen along with his stereo (which didn’t have the face on it mind you, meaning they stole it and can’t use it). We had 9 dollars to get us through the rest of the week. Our bank balance went negative due to an unprocessed check from a month before. We have zero in savings thanks to the wedding and school. This happened 3 days after I decided to take a day off of work each week and switch from 36 hours to 24 hours a week in the hopes that my grades would be better in school. I drove to school with my low fuel light coming on halfway there. I tried to stop at the gas station on my way home and found out my credit card was maxed out. So I drove all the way home in the 90 degree heat while speeding and praying I would not get pulled over and that I would make it home without my car dying. Luckily, Miguel (my red car) got me home safe and sound.
Ishaq was a champ and tore our house apart finding 6 bucks in dollars and 4 in change so that we could both get to work and school the next day.
Luckily we got a paid a couple of days later.

But it’s after weeks like that, that I sit back and wonder if I’m going to make it through the next year and a half. I constantly feel this fear that I’m going to fail academically or financially. If I fail academically, I have to start the whole program over since they started a new curriculum. It wouldn’t be repeating one semester, it would be a year’s tuition down the drain. And we can’t afford to repeat. Plus, Ishaq can’t go to school until I’m done. And he’s been ever-so-patient. If I fail financially, I lose everything. CONUNDRUM.

We have a plan for success. I graduate, he goes to school, I work to put him through, he graduates, works for a year, we move to Boston and then travel nurse. That’s the tentative plan.
I just want so much. I want to be stable. I want to be successful.

And I know we’ll get there. T.O from school always says that failure is not an option.
We WILL get there.

It’s just that the process tain’t cheap.

Advertisements

My brain is dead.

Soooo, I probably bombed that first test. Things aren’t looking promising based off of that group test.
Ughhhh.
How unfortunate.
Like mid-70s is what I’m thinking. Or hoping for. I think around a 75? If its worse I’ll just curl up in the fetal position.
Anything below an 80 is failing.

Screw you first test of the semester. You too lucky pencil. I didn’t want to be friends anyways.

See, we have 75 minutes to take the test. And then we have an additional 45 minutes to take the test again in a group. If the group gets an A, you get an additional 3 points on your test. B’s get 2 more points and C’s get 1 point.
I finished with about 15-20 minutes to spare and was only the fifth one done. I have never used so much time on the tests. Ever. Usually the whole class is done in an hour and we go ahead and get started with the group testing. EVERYONE looked horrified after it was over. Some people didn’t even finish in time. After the last question was bubbled in on my group’s test, one of the girls just put her head in her hands and bawled.

HORRIFIC.

Even the brainiacs of first semester looked a bit shooken up.

Here were the topics for the test:
Fluid and Electrolytes, Electrolyte Imbalances (hyponatremia, hypernatremia, hypokalemia, hyperkalemia,etc etc), IV fluids (hypo, iso, and hypertonic), Cancer, Death and Dying, Operating Room (pre-, intra-, and post- op), PACU

All wrapped up nice and snug into 50 questions.

We then had pre-clinical conference/skills practice for 2 hours in preparation of the dreaded simulation lab which made at least 4 people cry in the last group.

My brain is dead.

So lame.

I admit it. I’m totally lame.
Today was class elections and I wasn’t very assertive. I can be assertive when it comes to my family or my client. But if it’s just something for myself, I don’t really like putting myself out there. Last semester, I was class VP and this semester I decided to run for President since ours was stepping down.
I was nominated for both and didn’t take my name off the VP side or really promote myself. As a result, since I was the only one listed for VP, that’s what I was elected in for again. Which is fine! I just want to be involved.
But it’s frustrating since I did all of the Presidential work last semester and now I have to be under someone who hasn’t done class government at all. After the elections she asked me if I wanted to schedule a meeting with our advisor to plan the semester. But it doesn’t really work that way. And she didn’t tell me she wanted to run. She said she was going to run for secretary but got another classmate to nominate her cause she really, really wanted to be President. Bah!

I’m frustrated with myself for never really saying when I want something. I just don’t like the chance of rejection. It’s weird and lame, I know.

I ran for office in 6th grade when I transferred into a different middle school. I didn’t realize it was a popularity contest more than anything, so I didn’t get it and was totally devastated. I didn’t run for anything again until last semester. And I kinda have that feeling again. It was bugging me all day, but I couldn’t really admit it to myself until just now. I told Ishaq and now I feel better. A lot better actually. Just some slight feelings of vulnerability.

I don’t think I’ll try again next semester, however. Blargh. What I wouldn’t give to be confident and great at public speaking.

Until then….

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

It’s so easy to type stories to blogs and tell the surface stories. But the nitty and gritty, it’s easy to sometimes hold it back cause, I mean, there are people on the other side of the screen reading all your secrets. You know?

Granted, some people can spout everything because their anonymity behind the computer gives off confidence. But not me. I have a mental block.

So, today, I’m giving you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

I’m scared. School starts in two days and I am excited for it. But at the same time I am completely and utterly terrified for the amount of work and stress I have signed myself up for. Ask anyone with experience and you will find that nursing school is hellacious and will be one of the hardest things they/I will do in our lifetimes.

In wanting to keep our house, I will work Saturdays and Sundays. School will be attended Monday through Thursday with some Fridays. I’m going to miss my husband a lot. But we have a game plan. We still go on dates at least once a week and have made a pact to have a date night throughout school.

Yesterday he took me out for Indian food (my favorite!), thrift store browsing, and then to the Ackland Art Museum. It was perfect. We went home and ate brownies while watching Slumdog Millionaire which was a fantastic movie. The day was beautiful.

Anyways, back to my future. I was at a New Years party and one of my friends was telling me that I have everything together and know what I’m doing with myself while she doesn’t yet. But, I’m finding that having a plan isn’t any easier than not. The two scenarios just come with different stresses and different expectations.

Ho hum. That’s all you get.

🙂

Three three three

I was tagged by Ambermoon

3 Joys

  1. My husband
  2. Our night dates
  3. Concerts

3 Fears

  1. Not being good enough/succeeding
  2. Not being able to do everything
  3. Heights

3 Goals

  1. Get my RN and possibly become a NP or CRNA
  2. Travel the world
  3. Have babies

3 Current Obsessions

  1. The Office.
  2. Indian Food/Naan, mostly Naan
  3. Massages

3 Random/Surprising Facts

  1. I’m learning break dancing and lion dancing (think Chinese New Year).
  2. I can hold my own in a fight despite my size.
  3. I am absolutely fascinated by languages and cultures.
Advertisements